Let He who owns the shame, get the shame.

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that to you, I wouldn’t put you in a position to become a home wrecker”

It’s interesting, how much blame is ascribed to the other woman, every time.

As a consequence, men have found a way to absolve themselves from any atom of accountability, knowing that society will never really blame them as much as it would the other woman. Whether she is intentional, oblivious, ignorant, or simply indifferent, she always should have known better, few things in life upset me more than this.


I had a conversation with a former friend. I have been having a lot of those these days, there is something about the past, that endears you to simply long for it, the ‘what could have beings’, ‘the If it was’ etc. more astounding is always the cautionary tale that lurks around, stinging you as you remember why indeed you left that situation, nostalgia is such a beautiful emotional, yet I digress.

In this little conversation we had over signing of papers, we recounted what used to be of our relationship, and why it was that I had pulled the plug on it. I acknowledged that I thought he was married and had conveniently omitted that vital piece of information, so I zoomed off.

This individual went ahead to affirm that he was indeed not married as I had feared, following this he made a profound statement. “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that to you, I wouldn’t put you in a position to become a home wrecker”.

I am just going to give you a minute to unpack that, because I have a lot of things to say. First of all, I would very much love to acknowledge the boldness, that came with this statement. I do not think anyone fully understands the gravity of this. What I gathered from that statement was, ‘if I was married, and I didn’t tell you, then we got into a relationship and my partner found out about it, it would be your fault, and I wouldn’t want that to happen to you.’ Phew…

Insane right? I mean you are treacherous enough to betray the vow you made with your wife, but benevolent enough to not get me in a compromising situation, as you are brazenly certain, that I will be the one to pay the price.

What did I do to renounce this statement? I did not let it land, I immediately cleared him, educating that in no way would I have taken the fall for that as HE made the vow to his wife, not me.

However deep down I knew he was right. Society will blame me and not him. Afterall it is the reason why, once I meet someone, I also immediately ask if they are single, or married, in a situationship, and these days, if they have children. Even though I have learnt the art of blatantly ignoring societal standards not every woman has.

More often than not, women are put in uncomfortable situations where they are forced to take blame for something they did not know anything about or did not know enough about. It is deeply unfair. This doesn’t negate the fact that there are women who actively chase after these group of men or consciously enter into relationships with Married men, that situation exists and I believe it is their cross to carry.

However, what we will not do is to conveniently apportion blame where it is not given, while simultaneousy absolving the guilty of all level of accountability. It simply cannot stand.

I leave you today with these words, do not let anyone shame you for something that is not yours to be ashamed about. Let he who owns the shame, get the shame.

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