Unrequited love – The end before the beginning

*written under the influence of Love story by Taylor Swift*

I’m writing about this experience in past tense, and I can now believe I’m writing about this experience in past tense.

It’s been 2 months now, since we finally decided to not talk anymore, I’m awake at past 10, so I decide to call you, against my better judgment. I imagine how disappointed everyone would be that I still called, even when I promised I won’t.

Even though it’s barely 5am at your side, you pick my call, we talk like our love isn’t water under the bridge already. Like we are still friends enjoying each other’s stories. Like the snow didn’t come and go. Like we didn’t have a conversation in December to end whatever was flowing between.

Then you tell me what I already know, you let me know you are seeing someone one, and it’s pretty serious, the smile on your face is like that of a school boy who just reconnected with his lost toy. I tell you that I know I kind of figured it out, because I did, when we talked in December.

I also tell you that I’m happy for you, and though you don’t see the tears in my eyes when I say this, they form up anyway. Even though I mean it when I say I’m happy for you. The tears have their full independence with my eyes.

At this point though extremely afraid, I finally decide to let you go, all the memories we shared play like a slideshow before my eyes, I guess this is where I was waiting but you never came.

“You were there, you were magical, it was beautiful and then it was gone”. The profound impact of this statement came glaring at me. At that moment I’m reminded that all we were meant to be was a compilation of happy memories.

Excitingly, you say it too at the same time I’m thinking it. Then I realize as much as I yearned for an us, I deep down didn’t want it. I was finally able to be honest with myself, I saw it was selfish of me to want what the universe wasn’t willing to give.

I tell you I still can’t be friends with you yet, you ask me why, and I tell you I’m not there yet. You don’t mind, you tell me to take my time.

I tell you I’m happy for you, and this time I mean it, I move to end the call, on my Home Screen I marvel at how easy it was to talk for over two hours as though seasons didn’t change in the little hiatus of time we created, in a bit to find clarity. As though Putin didn’t invade Ukraine, and Barbados did not get a first President as a woman.

Again I remember everyone I had disappointed by making that call, as our slideshow of memories comes to an end in my head, I smile because loving you really was a breathe of fresh air.

It’s a love story, but no don’t say yes, because we were both young when I first saw you, and time changes, that’s how we know we are alive……

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